i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
