They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
