after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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