your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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