I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
