DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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