This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
