My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
