i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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