There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
