he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
