This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
