my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
