A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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