You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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