someone threw a dead crab at me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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