tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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