we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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