I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A bitchslap is in order.
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