Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
