cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
