It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
