yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
