Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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