So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
why does every cop we meet know your name?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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