Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
