I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
