my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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