My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
