I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
