Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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