A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
