Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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