Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
