Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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