I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
