Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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