i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i will never coherently bang her
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
