saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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