that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
