epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
