What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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