so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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