I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
