Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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