Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Randomize
