My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
