Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
