As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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