You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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