Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
