Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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