Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
