1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
