I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
