I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
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Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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